THE CHUCKER: Made famous by the Seinfeld episode titled "The Boyfriend: Part 1," the ball hog is a loathsome animal who turns Bill Walton's beloved five-man offensive symphany into a Carmine Gotti Agnello solo on But Can They Sing? Tickling the twine at a scintillating .125 rate, the Chucker embraces the 1-on-3 with more vigor than a 19-year-old runaway in a Seymour Butts video.

From the Seinfeld script, a scene in a men's locker room:

GEORGE: All these years I've been chuckin' and you've never told me?
JERRY: Well it's not an easy thing to bring up.
KRAMER: Hey you know this is the first time we've ever seen each other naked?

THE WHINY BITCH: "Foul!" "I got it!" "And one!" (Ball bangs off the rim.) A close relative of the Chucker, the Whiny Bitch makes his own rules on contact, such as any scrape of a fingernail on his T-shirt is grounds for first-degree assault, his out-of control heave be damned. Determined to keep the ball on his end of the court for 10 minutes, the Whiny Bitch demands respect of a call that a fourth-grader would deem "a bit sissy."

THE PATRICK EWING HUMAN PERSPIRATION MACHINE: When No. 33 used to come into town, even clear blue skies meant a downpour at the foul line, as a flood of sweat poured down his chin. Similar PEHPMs exist in gyms across this great land, turning T-shirts into two-toned, 10-pound sweat rags. Unfortunately for you, they're the same guys who think their drop-step is Shaq-like because of talent, and not because of the damp stench you won't defend inside of five feet.

THE SMOKER: I fucking love the smokers. They're as into the idea as anyone, promise great drink-ups afterward and then, about four-and-a-half minutes into the game you think, "Man, I hope he doesn't die." He's the one begging to switch to a zone defense, calls "switch!" on every pick he doesn't have the energy to fight through and, best of all, spends every timeout doubled over like he took a bullet in Nam.

THE 'SLOW IT UP!' GUY: This dude I can't stand. Someone makes a steal, it's a 3-on-2 break, and some dipshit in the backcourt is pleading, "Slow it up!" like he's Dean Smith and not some lazy fuck who won't drag his ass to the party. Generally, he's the Chucker who can't bear to see a well-executed break run without him.

THE GANGLY, HACKING HAZARD: He doesn't meant any harm, he just causes it. Elbows flailing from the northeast, hip-checks coming from the southwest. Kneecaps headed straight for nuts. That perfect, perpendicular-from-the-floor defensive position? Never heard of it. The boy watched too much Big East hoops when they experimented with six fouls a game, almost ruining college basketball as we know it.

THE GUY WHO WAVES HIS ARMS ON THE FAST BREAK BUT THERE'S NO FUCKING WAY YOU'RE PASSING IT TO HIM BECAUSE HE'LL JUST BOTCH THE LAY-UP: Also known as: all of Kobe Bryant's teammates.

THE WAAAAAAAY TOO INTO IT REF: Every sport has 'em, and you have to love 'em. Instead of just calling over the back, they say, "Personal foul! Number 21 in white! Contact on the rebound before possession! Player did not allow for unimpeded challenge at the rebound!" And this is a fifth-grade CYO game. Always makes me wonder what huge foul shot they missed in high school that keeps 'em up every night, a la Jack Dundee from The Best of Times.

THE GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE ADAM MORRISON: Actually, nobody looks like Adam Morrison of Gonzaga (pictured). Is he auditioning for a role in Boogie Nights II, or just trying to set the record for Least Ass Gotten by a College Hoops All-American? Someone tell this guy that "porn stache" doesn't appear on many Playmates' lists of turn-ons.