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Look What I Found at the Yankees Clubhouse
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Paul Katcher Some thoughts on the signing of Johnny
Damon.
• The Sux signed John Flaherty, so it's only fair we got one of theirs. Hey, we'll take Manny
Ramirez off your hands if you want Bubba Crosby.
• Brian Cashman opened a most awkward and corny press conference —
even by Yankees standards — by offering Damon's wife, Michelle, 18 roses (to
match his jersey number) and kissing her on the cheek. Suave is not a term one would use
to describe Cashman, and I was surprised she didn't return the favor by offering a lap
dance. If you played word association with 100 people on the street and mentioned
Michelle, 99 of 'em would say "stripper."
 • YES announcer Michael
Kay prefaced the ceremonial dressing of Damon in pinstripes by saying something to the
effect of, "If you're a Boston fan, you might want to look away. This is gonna be
tough to watch." Hahaha. That's like seeing someone sprawled to the ground following
a massive nut shot, then running over to administer an atomic wedgie. If only John
Sterling had hosted, the Pomposity Meter would have exploded.
• One thse days we're gonna have to take George Steinbrenner to task for
allowing a team from Boston to craft an image as free spirits and New Yorkers as drones,
when comparing the character of the two cities is like a paint-by-numbers to a Van Gogh.
When's the Guinness Book of World Records gonna recognize Fenway Park's mark for
Most Pleated Khakis Worn By an All-White Audience?
• Aren't there enough fans in Red Sux Nation to afford an extra $12 million over
four years to make certain the Yankees couldn't pull this doubly-whammy of filling a need
and creating one for a rival? Management couldn't figure out how to bleed an extra couple
of bucks per fan over four years? Well, enjoy that big bag of Cheetos with all the money
you saved.
• Gotta love the Kansas City Star looking back at
10-year-old articles from when Damon was a member of
the Royals. That's when you know your team's got nothing going on.
• Bill Simmons' reaction is pretty matter-of-fact: pro athletes care less about supposed apocalyptic rivalries than
fans and make decisions based on money. Which is great if your team has the most money.
Wish we could say to Sux fans, "We know how you feel," but we can't.
• It did blow, though, when Andy Pettitte and Roger Clemens eloped
to Houston to be closer their families and Andy's Power for
Living books, leaving us to pitch Jon Leiber,
Kevin Brown and Javier Vazquez in Games 6 and 7 of the 2004 ALCS. Imagine
what a Red Sux fan's mentality would be right now if they hadn't closed the World Series
gap to NY 26 - Boston 6 in between Aaron Boone's HR, that February morning when we
dropped the A-Rod bomb, the fall from grace of Nomar Garciaparra, Pedro
Martinez's burned bridge, Curt Schilling's career-threatening injury, the
vanishing of Keith Foulke, us winning the 2005 AL East after their own late-season
losses to the Devil Rays, and now stealing away Damon. My guess is they'd be equal parts
suicidal and homicidal, instead of just bitter (again) and insufferable.
• There's still 0.01% of me that's wary of Damon being a spy. With Kevin Millar
holed up in a camouflaged van wired with surveillance monitors.
• No. 18 isn't going to be a hot-selling jersey in New York. At least not yet. I
could count on one hand the number of Randy Johnson jerseys I saw in 2005. But if you're a
Yanks fan in Boston, this is the last-minute Christmas gift to end all.
 • Damon will be in
pinstripes when the Yankees open their new stadium in 2009, but Mariano Rivera, Bernie
Williams, Jorge Posada and Joe Torre, almost certainly, will not. How's
that for weird?
• I wonder what will be the first five NYC strip clubs Jason Giambi takes
Damon to.
• Again, Damon was never really a hated guy in New York, no more than any other
Boston player. In order of most-hated Red Sux, on a scale of 1-100, the top villains are:
Red Sux Nation (185,000) Schilling (99.9), Jason Varitek (99.8), Trot Nixon
(88) and Ramirez (85).
• I thought Frozen Caveman Lawyer was a fictional character until I heard
Damon speak. Compared to him, George Bush is a skilled orator. But it's hard to
gracefully say this, which would have been an honest answer to any question he fielded: I
would rather get paid $52 million to play for the Yankees than get paid $40 million to
play for the Red Sux, and whatever effect it's going to have on Boston fans isn't enough
to affect that decision. Period.
• Moral of the story: We're the Yankees and you're not.
Paul Katcher owns and operates the Upper West Side’s most popular website and
contributes his content to realhoboken.com. For questions or comments, write Paul@paulkatcher.com or visit www.paulkatcher.com
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