My cell phone started blowing up at 10:30am. I heard it ringing in the in the other room but considering I hadn’t gotten out of bed yet, they would all just have to wait. I knew the voices on the other end would be shaking in the stilettos they slept in, spewing gossipy tales and offering reckless rationale about what they did, think they did, heard they did, and wish they hadn’t done.

There are some things that you can let go, and there are some you cannot. Because of the nature of the beast which is HSPD, outrageous things are bound to happen; they always have and they always will. You’re probably wondering how this Sunday is any different from any other Sunday following a night of drunken debauchery. Well, I’m here to tell you that the Sunday morning post-HSPD chatter is the icing on the annual parade that you never saw…and if you are still resenting your alter-ego and are feeling the need to repent all your sins as quickly as possible, hopefully this list will offer you some guidance.

10: You blew off your friend’s house party in favor of hanging out with a guy?

Well, I’m sure your friend has had/will have a ton of other parties you have attended/will be attending in the future. This is not a cardinal sin, especially considering it was Hoboken St. Patty’s Day. Follow up with a phone call and an invitation for appetizers and drinks for Wednesday night. Do that and you are sure to be free and clear, able to pass go with flying colors. Collect your $200 and put it towards the cocktails on Wednesday.

9: You dragged your friends to a 4-floor fraternity party on steroids?

Come on… luke warm Milwaukee’s Best never tasted so good. And you know it was nostalgic for all of you. Pass go, pick up your $200 and go buy your friends some Grey Goose for next Saturday night.

8: You drunk text and/or drunk dialed your ex?

Ok, who didn’t? Just pretend like you didn’t, just like he’s pretending you didn’t either, and just like I’m pretending you didn’t wake me up that early to tell me that. Pass go and collect $200. Put it towards the new cell phone that you’ll need to buy since you threw yours against the wall last night.

7: You kissed 3 random guys throughout the day?

Yeah? You’re not even close to jail- you fly past go and collect $200 easily. Oh, and did you really wake me up to repent your sins for that? Go back to bed; call me on commercial breaks during the Oscars Red Carpet pre-show.

6: You cried?

Yeah? You and about 25 other girls shed a few tears. It happens. Big deal- blame it on PMS. Take a get of jail free card, pass go, but you get no $$.

5: You engaged in a late-night game of strip poker with your friends?

Wow do people still play that? Hmmm…what was the guy/girl ratio? Mostly girls, huh? Well, it seems as though your guy friend who hosted the late night soiree had a little 2-on-1 in mind, but since you only removed a few layers and there was no largely indecent and embarrassing exhibitionism that took place before you passed out, I think you’re in the clear. Better your friends see you naked than random strangers, and I hope you have been frequenting the gym lately! If not- pass go and get your $200 and sign up immediately, it is March for crying out loud!

4: You hooked up with your good friend?

Yikes….wow that’s never a good one. That’s straight out of the movie 200 Cigarettes if I remember correctly. It’s hard to pick up the get out of jail free card on this one… but if you maneuver it the right way you might be able to pass go and get your $200 bucks. Don’t let it be the green elephant in the room; awkwardness is not a welcome word in your vocabulary and unless you lay it down- there’s gonna be a whole lotta that and not a whole lotta of anything else….for a while. Good luck with that. YIKES!

3: You went home with a 30-year snowboarding hottie that you met at McSwiggans.

There were 30-year olds at McSwiggans? Who knew! Well, here’s one that you don’t hear very often. Cute 30-something girl meets cute 30-something guy. Cute girl and guy spend all day having a blast throwing back Bud Lights and some kind of green shots with each other’s friends. Girl and guy stumble back to his place at 9 pm and throw each other around for a few hours. Girl leaves next morning and calls girlfriend during her walk of shame down the littered street otherwise known as Washington. I can’t answer/offer any advice other than to get comfortable for at least 3-6 days (according to Joe Concha). Pass go, and go home and pass out. Don’t collect any money…he bought you shots all day you can do without it.

2: You hooked up with a random girl you met in a bar and woke up on her bedroom floor and don’t remember how/when/why? You snuck out while she was sleeping!?!?

Well that sucks, I bet your back hurts. That’s too bad you have zero recollection because it sounds like you might of got some last night, or been trying to when you either: #1- fell off the bed or #2- got kicked out of the bed. Chalk it up to 10+ hours of drinking = hardwood floor = leave as fast as you can because you’re too scared to know what really happened! Do not pass go, just stay home where you are safe. Oh and if you did get some, lucky you because a lot of people aren’t these days! Jackass.

1: Your pseudo girlfriend pulled an unannounced stop-by and walked in on you and the random girl beneath the sheets?

Well, the good news is you are alive, breathing and able to dial my phone #. The bad news is that you are a dumb F*** for so many reasons. The only reason that really matters: IF SHE HAD A KEY, COME ON, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?!? You have to go straight to jail, there is no passing go and you are negative $2,000 buddy. It’s a miracle you are not in the hospital.

I know it’s Lent so some of you may have an excuse to pray for self-forgiveness, but some of you have no excuse whatsoever so perhaps a steam bath would help? In all seriousness don’t take it so hard, because like clockwork, HSPD will be here again next year, and you will be there again. And without fail, my phone will be ringing and I can’t wait to hear what’s on the other end…

Jessica is a regular contributor to RealHoboken.com and not only serves as resident beauty advisor, but in the "Dear Abby" capacity as well…on Sunday morning only. Email questions and comments to realhoboken@yahoo.com or use the message forum on the home page.