Where’s Waldo?

That seems to be the question following George Clooney’s motorcycle accident in Weehawken on Monday. So why was he in Jersey? Clooney explained to a FOX News reporter that he was there to visit his hairstylist Waldo Sanchez in Hoboken when he was sideswiped by a car as he (Clooney) tried to pass him on the right (see: It’s Clooney fault since New Jersey law prohibits passing anyone on the right).

Regardless of whose fault it was, Waldo is now a coveted interview. So while other publications are putting out an APB on Mr. Sanchez, Realhoboken.com is here to provide some direction by giving them a big hint as to his whereabouts: First, his real name is Waldo Ramirez (doing more than a Google search is sometimes required in situations like this), and he lives in North Bergen, not Hoboken (which may explain why Clooney was going in the opposite direction of Hoboken, idiots).

Asking readers to track down Ramirez/Sanchez isn’t exactly the essence of investigative reporting, but more on that a little later in this column.

I don’t understand why I don’t see Alex Rodriguez in more TV commercials. He’s going to easily win another MVP, he’s appeals to both an American and Spanish-speaking base, women find him attractive, and he plays for the most successful team (well, not lately) on the planet in its biggest media market.

So you can understand my befuddlement at the latest Gillette advertisement that features Tiger Woods, Roger Federer, and…wait, who is that other guy? Some soccer player…I don’t think he plays for the Red Bulls. I got it…Beckham? Naah, this chap is a bit less Caucasian. .

Let’s just do what anyone else would in this kind of situation: Google the damn thing.

Thierry Henry! Of course! How did I not know who…wait, who the hell is he? I think I remember him from the World Cup (Conch Googles again). Right, he played for France when they won it in back in the 20^th Century (1998).

So you have Woods, the greatest player to pick up the wrenches in the history of golf (and he’s only 31); Federer, the most dominant player in any sport today, and that list includes Tiger AND the aforementioned A-Rod (an embarrassingly gushing Michael Kay would argue the latter’s rank to the death). So here you have Henry standing side-by-side with Tiger and Roger, looking as out of place as Daniel-san did when he went to go pick up Ali in Beverly Hills on their first date and his Mom had to push the car to get it started in the first Karate Kid.

Other unlikely threesomes include Luciano Pavarotti, Placido Domingo, and the other guy (Jose Carreras); Carnie (pre-lipo) and Wendy Wilson and Chynna Phillips of Wilson Phillips (hold on for one more day is tastefully done in Harold and Kumar, wasn’t it?; Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher and Bruce Willis (show some pride McClane…jeez!); and for a more local example, Trinity, The Quays and 340 Grill (maybe I’ve been away the last 19 weekends at the shore, but does it seem like two of these three places has as many people in them lately as 8^th Street Tavern?)

Speaking of commercials, I saw the Zap Lube girl at Lua last week. And everyone knew who she was. Looks like J. Lo but uses far more demonstrative hand motions when speaking. If we can get her to do a commercial with Giuseppe Franco (the hair stylist from the Procede commercials that somehow air more than Kay’s nauseating "Where Players Become Legends" Yankee Stadium promos on YES), the world will be a better place…

So let me see if I understand the logic behind one grass roots community blog’s latest temper tantrum: It’s bad when the eeeeevil Dave Roberts proposes hiring 30 more part-time police officers to combat crime—which has been rising in Hoboken—because the Mayor only claims, according to said blog, that crime only decreases around an election season.

Of course, Roberts has already announced that he won’t seek re-election (wait, I thought the 411 on that was he was going to resign last January to collect big bucks on his pension?), so it’s not certain what political gain he would personally see from adding a significant amount of law enforcement to the streets. It’s a political ploy, by the way, that not one resident of Hoboken would object to. Well, maybe except one.

Because when your life centers on listening to a police scanner all day, an overall decrease in felonies and misdemeanors must be bad for business...

Speaking of that blog, it must be great for web traffic reports that Chris Campos is back in the public spotlight for them to kick around for another six weeks.

Um, doesn’t that get old after two election cycles and 2000 board comments that all complain about the same shit?

Loved the conjured up parking violation story about Richard Tremitiedi, by the way (for those scoring at home, the owner of the blog claims he witnessed an also eeeevil Hoboken political player plant an old ticket on his windshield after double parking to avoid getting a fresh ticket). Tremitiedi vehemently denies the story.

Question: If the aforementioned blog owner had time to take a picture of this heinous crime being committed by Tremitiedi—a former candidate for Hoboken’s 2^nd Ward that the blog attacked relentlessly—why not follow the rules of Journalism 101 and, I don’t know…ask Tremitiedi right there on the spot about what allegedly took place?

That makes for some compelling copy, right?

Unless, of course, it never happened that way…

 If New York was once "Hymietown" in the eyes of Jesse Jackson, "Whineytown" would be a perfect characterization of Hoboken if the content on that site is any indication.

Speaking of tough talk from a distance, Mike Lupica sure is unbending when it comes to covering the Isiah Thomas sexual harassment trial from his recliner in Connecticut.

But who knows the Garden better than Michael? He was there for exactly zero Knick and Ranger games last season and has never attempted to even grill Thomas about all of his personal and professional transgressions.

But like a guy who gives you the finger after he cuts you off on a highway from the comfort and safety of his car, it’s easy to throw insults around when you don’t have to actually confront the people you’re attacking.

Wanna feel old?

Heather Locklear is 46 today (September 24).

And Melrose Place came on the air a scant 15 years ago.

Avenue on Washington Street—the old Da Vinci’s—has morphed from being old, stuffy and irrelevant to one of the best nights out in Hoboken.

So let me get this straight: MoveOn.org can accuse a four-star General with an impeccable record in a time of war of treason, but Republicans aren’t allowed to protest against making such an outrageous attack because of the rules concerning freedom of speech? Talk about a one-way street.

But the best part of the story was that the fair and balanced New York Times offered a handsome discount to MoveOn (approximately $77,000) for their full-page ad about David Petraeus. And somehow only after this fact was leaked to the press (kudos, New York Post) did they realize their "error". Kind of like their boy Clinton only admitting guilt after they found his man batter on that Size 10 blue dress.

Surprise! A Federal Grand Jury is now investigating Hoboken’s own Robert Menendez (the Democratic Junior Senator of New Jersey) to determine whether he illegally steered lucrative lobbying business to his former chief of staff with whom he was also romantically linked. My apologies to my readers who banked on my prediction about Menendez ending up in jail within a year of his being sworn in…The new over/under on that happening is July 2009.

So if I understand the latest version of Hitler correctly, the Holocaust actually did happen, but there needs to be more research to confirm those six million Jews were actually killed and didn’t just wander off somewhere. As far as the questions to him confirming the execution of all gays in Iran, let’s just say there won’t be any bars called The Cage or Blue Oyster opening there anytime soon because, according to Mahmoud, "there are no homosexuals" there.

The Will and Grace Tehran fan club chapter is going to be crushed.

Literally.

So I actually organized a Sketchy Hoboken Bar Crawl last weekend. Venues included the Wilton House, Nag’s Head, Quiet Woman, Mario’s Bar (the sketchiest of them all on 3^rd and Park…I implore you all to go there), Mario’s Pizza (they serve beer, therefore it counts), DC’s Tavern, and the new Rogo’s for their halfway to St. Patty’s Day Party.

Note: Rogo’s was never really sketchy before its renovation, but all of the improvements made to the joint this summer has transformed it into a formidable social presence at night and top-notch, albeit surprisingly quiet, sports bar by day.

The Hoboken Arts and Music Festival is this Sunday. What a day: Eggs-n-Kegs kickoff begins at 11:00 AM featuring the sights, sounds and smells of Washington Street (and its bars) at your disposal all day. Sunday night gets even better when the Eagles (sans San Jose State uniforms) and Giants meet at 8:15.

Word to the wise: Try to come down with a sudden case of Avian Bird Flu on Monday morning…this weekend is going to be a toughie to recover from.

You’re never going to believe this, but I just saw A-Rod in a commercial. However, it was only a Yankees in SAP instructional promo that every Spanish-speaking Yankee player has to do for the network each year. Ever see these? It looks like each player has a gun to their head when awkwardly and blatantly reading off the cue cards. Hey Jorge! After reading this crap for 10 years do you really need to look like the guest host on Saturday Night Live at this point?

I can now see why A-Rod isn’t getting any love from Madison Avenue: He’s worse than Rocky was doing those Beast Aftershave spots in Part II.

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