St. Patrick’s Day may officially fall on March 17, but in the 1.3 square-mile-world of Hoboken, Mardi Gras, Spring Break and St. Paddy’s all come together this year on March 3.

Most of those reading this have already embarked on this triathlon for the liver. The three legs of the race are always the same:

1) Consume large amounts of carb-based, starchy food before the big day around 7:30 AM, drink large amounts of alcohol at an Eggs-n-Kegs party at 9:00 AM,

2) Embark on more consumption in bars—some of which don’t serve food—until, well, that all depends on your tolerance that likely has greatly decreased during the slow months of January and February. The fear of Hands-Across-America lines WILL keep you at one location, so when the sun sets and you’re still standing, consider it your greatest accomplishment since being able to sit through Failure to Launch without losing all sense of sanity.

3) Find cheap, quick and easy munchies as somehow experiencing a hangover while still drinking if sticking it out until the next day (See: midnight and beyond). This leg is worth drinking a 12-pack of Red Bull and sucking down 10 Pixie Sticks to stay awake for, as there isn’t any higher form of unintentional comedy than HSPD night.

For those who think they have the whole day figured out, think again. Here are some strategies and helpful hints complied by the expert staff at Realhoboken to assist in a seamless endurance on 3/3.

Advisory #1, courtesy of Kara Jordan, Managing Editor: "One year I brought a bagel with me and noshed on it throughout the day since you basically go 10 hours without food...I was very drunk and can't imagine how much more drunk I'd have been if I didn't have that bagel in my stomach."

Advisory #2, courtesy of Joe Concha, columnist: "Don’t play uphill by going out the night before. Stay away from the light and save your strength. Drinking four large cups of water and taking four Advil before going out will help ease the pain a bit. And don’t try to go to any bars on the Southeast side of town, it will be an fruitless (and beerless) exercise. Try the off-the-beaten path places away from the PATH: Ted and Jo’s, McMahon’s Brownstone, Carpe Diem, the Goldhawk are your better options early on. When 4:00-5:00 PM comes, try making the move downtown if you must. Back to the water thing, have four more Advil before going to bed along with 3-4 cups of water. Hydrate, rotate, hydrate, repeat"

Advisory #3, courtesy of Austin Milbarge, photographer: "I'm going to wear cargo pants w/ an extra set of drawers and socks. I’m also going to bring two T-shirts and a pair of shoes that I don't really care about. And I'm holding out on the weather to decide if I'm going to wear a hefty bag as a jacket. The key here is two-fold: First, wear something you don't care about losing and second, it doesn't hurt to have something disposable in the inevitable event that if someone (yourself included) throws up on it. The money here is on that nobody else will be wearing a trash-bag which automatically makes you trash-chic AND therefore the subject to the attentions of the opposite (or same, depending on your flavor) sex. While you may be leered at in the beginning of the day, the payoff will be immense in the second half of the game when people are intoxicated beyond reason. Remember, people find the 'unusual' interesting. Use it to your advantage. Chatting up a lovely bird front, left and center will be no problem. And the extra set of drawers and socks is BGOC (Basic Going Out Code). In the event that you literally shit yourself, you can change in the bathroom on the fly…might as well have the extra socks and t-shirt and use that sink as a makeshift shower. You will now be ready for Round 2." (please look for more poignant advice from Milbarge on Realhoboken on Thursday)

Advisory #4, courtesy of Jennifer Conlan, columnist: "It's worth noting that some bars will allow you to have pizza delivered to the bar. Has saved me many a Hoboken St. Patrick's Day. It's a nice strategy for the single folks as well as it will be easy to make new friends with cute people as everyone will want to become your new best friend to get a slice."

Advisory #5, courtesy of Christina Attardo, columnist: "Make friends with people on the bathroom line - they'll hold your spot and/or stand guard at the door of your stall when you're peeing in the men's room because the line for the ladies' room is almost as long as the line to get in the bar."

Advisory #6, courtesy of Jessica Seilheimer, columnist: "House-party it up for the AM amateur hours and hit the bars after 1-2pm when you're likely to get in the bar and breathe. Also allows you to last past 5pm, also likely allowing you a place in your own 800 thread count clad bed vs. someone else’s. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the not-to-be-missed monster frat party in Midtown on Park. We attended last year...it was a Hoboken 30-something frat party at its best, equipped with cases of warm Milwaukee’s Beast..."

Advisory #7, courtesy of Amanda Dwyer, columnist: "Kind of like the Hunt - don't wear good shoes…Keeping a secret supply of tissues tucked away in your jeans pocket for when the bathrooms run out of TP…Don't do shots before noon, and don't mix alcoholic categories."

There. You should be fine and ready for work without an ill-effects whatsoever on Monday…

Finally, as for conversation starters sure to impress Mr. or Mrs. Right Now during the celebration, try dismissing these St. Patrick’s Day myths:

St. Patrick Was Irish: Well, not quite. Although no one knows exactly where St. Patrick was born, based on his own account it likely occurred in southwestern Britain. Kiss me I’m…British?

Advisory #8, from columnist Craig Zabransky: Live your dream. I am not telling you to lie, more to fantasize. No, not about the gorgeous girl (or boy) you notice on the path train every morning, but to create and become the new you for a day.

Trust me, no one wants to hear about your boring life that you are looking to change; discuss your dreams. Whether it is a new career in the culinary arts, relocating to Mexico, or even taking a month off to travel to Easter Europe, create this life and make it factual. This Saturday, be your dream. Use the courage of the Irish Ale to become the new you.

As you navigate your parade route of crashing random house parties, squeezing to the bar to order Irish car bombs and reentering the pizza line for your second slice make new acquaintances. Meet people. Discuss your new life and enjoy living your dream.
Sure, this advice may not help you tactically survive Saturday, but remember (if you can) that this event is really only one day on the Hoboken drinking calendar. Think strategically. With this approach you may not need to fantasize again during next year's all day binge but truly discuss your realized dream and give special thanks to the people you met and helped you realize it.

St Patrick Drove the Snakes out of Ireland: There’s only one small issue with this tale: Ireland never had any snakes to drive away in the first place. Separated from England (where snakes of all kinds can be found) thousands of years ago, Ireland came out of the Ice Age snake-free.

The Annual St. Patrick’s Day Parade is an Irish Tradition: Actually, the parade was invented in Manhattan. In the home country, St. Patrick’s Day is treated more like a funeral (besides, a true Irishman drinks every day, anyway). For those decking themselves out in green on Saturday in Hoboken, please note that the color is frowned upon as an unlucky color in Ireland.

Most Irish Americans Are Catholic: In polls conducted in the 1980s and 1990s, researchers discovered that a majority of Americans who classify themselves as Irish also classify themselves as Protestant.

"Luck of the Irish" Derives from the Wealth of Good Fortune Long Enjoyed by the Irish: Riiiighttt. Exactly what kind of luck is it that brings 1,000 years of invasion, colonization, exploitation, famine, starvation and mass emigration? And the weather isn’t exactly always sunny and 78 degrees…

We hope Realhoboken’s eating, drinking, geographic, bathroom and conversational guides are enough to make St. Patrick’s Day in Hoboken a successful one for you. Erin Go Bragh! (Ireland Forever for those who had no idea what the hell this Irish saying meant after all of these years).

For questions or comments regarding the story, email realhoboken@yahoo.com or use the message board on the home page, unless City Hall has prevented you from visiting this website (cue laugh track here).