The NFL's opening weekend can be as unpredictable as a hurricane path when it's first spotted somewhere in the Atlantic.

You know its coming.

You know you may need to prepare for all contingencies.

And it's still impossible to be accurate about anything until after it’s over.

• Think about what you were thinking when playing Nostradamus last week.
• Tom Brady was only going to throw 40 touchdowns this year instead of a record-breaking 50.
• Atlanta was going to be the first 0-16 team in league history.
• The Giants were headed for a Super Bowl hangover against the Redskins as an angry mob ransacks the field over outrageous PSL charges for the not-needed-new-stadium. 
• Brett Favre was going to draw up plays in the Marlins infield against the Dolphins and inherit the bad karma of Gang Green.

The thought was to call local bookie and put the house, or at least the apartment, on a seven-team parlay. That is, if the internet didn’t put the local mafia out of business.

But in a league dripping in parity, somewhere in the back of your head you just knew nothing was as it seemed based on past experience.

And it happened again...

One more reason to stay outside a 2000-mile radius of Vegas at least until things settle in by November.

Here's what last Sunday felt like for one guy who enjoys watching all games at once at a local sports bar in Hoboken. All times are approximate.

11:00 AM: The first call comes in for the day's possible itinerary...watching the games at a popular dive called Hobson's Choice. Good times.

11:15 AM: A call from the same group indicates that the bar doesn't open until 11:30 AM. The late opening is done to prevent people who have been itching to drink while watching football on Sunday’s since around Valentine’s Day from passing out in a pool of their own slobber by halftime.

1:20 PM: After waiting 30 minutes for a cab (apparently everyone in town blew up the taxi dispatcher line at 12:30 on the dot), I arrive at Hobson's at the precise moment when Favre throws a beauty of a bomb to Crotchery. The bar explodes like it hasn't since, like, 1969 when Namath hit Don Maynard to set up the only touchdown of the Super Bowl.  Amazing…all it took for one long pass from Favre and now Jet fans were believers they could qualify for a Wild Card (since winning a division with the Pats and Tom Brady in it is unthinkable). That is, until...

1:23 PM: Tom Brady goes down and it automatically looks like one of those injuries that will knock anyone out for the season before any MRI is conducted. There is no mystery: Everyone in the bar knows Brady is done for the year three seconds after it happens.

And since this is a Jet country, cheers actually erupt at the sight of Brady holding his knee in excruciating pain. You stay classy, Jet Nation.

1:24 PM: It hits home that while I didn't draft Brady in my fantasy league, I do own Welker, Gaffney and Goskowski. Collateral damage! I feel like a Pats fan as he watches season go down the drain. 

1:27 PM: A friend’s girlfriend declares that Giselle will leave Brady by the middle of the season. It actually makes sense: He can’t really walk, he starts to get fat, and she’s basically playing wet nurse to him while wondering if he’ll ever play (See: Be a celebrity) again. I explain to her that it’s like Marilyn Monroe dating Joe D. after he retired. He’s still kind of a big deal, but it isn’t the same as canoodling with Jack Kennedy, Sinatra or even Arthur Miller. They’re all still active, in their prime…while DiMaggio is getting ready to be Mr. Coffee and dominating Old-Timers Day. Anyway, it only makes sense that Giselle sacks Brady for somebody like Leo (repeat) or Michael Phelps, sending #12 into a funk not seen since Roy Hobbs in The Natural.

1:29 PM: Somebody mentions that backup Matt Cassel hadn't started a game since high school. The thought of burning $400.00 in the street is considered, only because

I basically just gave away the same amount to my fantasy commissioner before our draft earlier in the week.

1:52 PM: The Rams-Eagles game is already a catastrophe with Philly up 21-0. FOX keeps cutting away to Rams coach Scott Linehan, who could play a stunt double for Barry Switzer circa Oklahoma 1985. As they say, we all look like somebody, but if you're a head coach, Switzer isn't the twin you want.

2:01 PM: It's hard to hear the televisions, but I think Simms just mentioned something about the oppressive heat on the field in Miami. A cutaway of Tony Sparano follows and he wearing a friggin’ windbreaker...which is fine for a November game in Seattle, but not where the heat index is the same as it is on the set of Blood Diamond 2. .

2:20 PM: The halftime score of Falcons-Lions is 21-14. Somewhere in the Georgia Dome, Matt Millen is patting himself on the back for only being down seven to

a team with a rookie quarterback, a first-year starter at running back, and a featured receiver whose name is Roddy. I know this is the 1,274,568th time someone has asked this question, but I'll pose mine for in CAPS for effect: JUST HOW DOES THIS CLOWN HAVE A JOB AGAIN?

3:45 PM: Word comes in that Vince Young has a knee injury too. Kerry Collins is now in. It's hard to believe he nearly won a National Championship at Penn State just 14 years

ago. Somewhere in New York, Giants kicker John Carney is saying, "Kerry Collins is still in the league? Damn he's old!"

3:58 PM: Pennington, down 20-14, looks like he has the Jets on the verge of losing 21-20 because their kicker got hurt and they were forced to go for two after their second touchdown. But why were the Jets forced to forego the extra point? Their punter, Ted Nugent or some variation of that name only played Australian Rules football. He can't kick an extra point? And I thought Favre could do everything? Who plays touch football in jeans, anyway? Getting back to business, it was only fitting that Pennington would beat them this way with a last-second TD. With visions of melancholy Jet fans dancing in my head, life was looking good as the early games were coming to a close. 

4:02 PM: So there’s Chad dinking and dunking his way to the winning TD, and it makes me wonder what Jets owner Woody Johnson was thinking of his defensive scheme. I mean, everyone KNOWS Pennington can't throw a ball more than 18, 19 yards...so how can these short slants and button hooks for eight yards a pop continue to work? And why is the Jet safety playing 30 yards back? YOU PLAYED WITH THIS GUY. He throws like Tim Wakefield. Play everyone within 20 yards of the line of scrimmage and you'll win...guaranteed.

4:15 PM: The 1 o'clock games are now over. The Jets survive on a rare but totally correct offensive pass interference call. The Cowboys are on now, putting on an offensive clinic in Cleveland. Romo looks great. Witten and Owens can’t be stopped. Marion Barber is the toughest player in the league. Of all the predictions that didn’t come true for the early games, the Browns-Dallas game was going exactly according to plan.

4:31 PM:Frank Gore breaks off a 42-yard touchdown. In unison and in a completely flabbergasted tone, 20 million former Frank Gore owners all say at the same time: "Where the *#!? was that last year???"

5:07 PM: T.O. does an imitation of Usain Bolt after scoring the prettiest passing TD of the day. It’s now Ochenta y Uno 1, Ocho Cinco 0 in the Me-First Department. 

5:34 PM: I go home and immediately fall asleep. Not drinking milk was a bad choice.

9:58 PM: Wow. The Colts new stadium looks like the Cowboys soon-to-be-old stadium.
And wow…the Bears are winning with Calm Kyle Orton at quarterback. Orton is like Joe Biden…he can’t help you, he can’t really hurt you. Wait, is Joe Biden still on the ticket? I expect to see him on the back of a milk carton soon with all the media play the G.I.L.F Sarah Palin has been getting…

10:00 PM: Entourage premiere. The best show on television since Seinfeld. The writers give us plenty of Ari/Lloyd scenes, which never get old. Vinny is living the dream in Mexico. No Billy Walsh to annoy me. Great times.

10:10 PM: It hits me that HBO made the stupidest move in the history of the network, or at least since they felt the need to rotate in Caddyshack 2 into their schedule every seven months for the rest of existence: They’re going up against Sunday Night Football by pushing Entourage past summer and into the fall.

I could wait, of course, until Monday or DVR the show, but the need to discuss the exploits of Johnny Drama the following day at work is too much to overcome.

11:35 PM: The Bears get the football hat trick: Safety, field gold, touchdown. Peyton suddenly looks as old as Kerry Collins. The Bear defense says they’re poised to make another Super Bowl run. Impressive and shocking all at once. Meanwhile, thousands of people in suicide pools actually begin committing suicide after being knocked out by taking Indy in Week 1.

Like the Donger says in Sixteen Candles when Jake Ryan comes looking for Samantha Baker and answers the closet instead of the door, "Hello? Ahhh, this place is so confusing!"

That’s about how we feel about the NFL after Week 1.

And that’s why we all keep coming back for more.

Winners through the eyes of Vegas for Week 2:
Rams, Pats, Chiefs, Bengals, Colts, Redskins, Packers, Panthers, Jags, Bucs, 49ers, Fish, Texans, Chargers, Browns, Cowboys

Joe Concha won two fantasy football leagues out of three last year and knows the NFL better than you know yourself. Email questions or comments to joe.concha@foxnews.com <mailto:joe.concha@foxnews.com> or use the message board on the homepage.