Wood Handle Hunting

Thursday, 25 March 2010 17:17 Last Updated on Thursday, 25 March 2010 17:17 Written by Hoboken 0 Comments

Ledger wears 2010 fair queen crown
Hailey Ledger was crowned the 2010 Greater Jefferson County Fair Queen Wednesday evening on the show arena stage.

Here's an observation worth noting: when it comes to dividing heirlooms and estate contents, everyone tenses up and no one wants to be the first to talk. You can sense the apprehension in the room, and it appears as if everyone is trying to predict what the other will do. Will my sister make a fuss? Will my brother want the same things I want, and if so, what do we do? Will there be fighting and resentment?

From the perspective of this 20 year veteran who has observed many families, we should be more concerned with our own behavior. If every heir was in tune with their own behavior and had the ability to stay on the peaceful path, there would be a lot less fighting in the world.

When a parent passes, particularly the last remaining parent, true colors, a few fangs, and an entitlement mentality will eventually surface. Most feuds break out for four basic reasons:

  • A misunderstanding has taken place and has not been effectively dealt with
  • Everyone grieves differently and emotions can be volatile
  • A situation has been festering for years that probably took place during childhood and will now appear, causing all kinds of problems
  • An heir perceives he or she is being cheated in the distribution of heirlooms

How do you contribute to a more peaceful resolution?

  1. Sit down and say what's on your mind. Beating around the bush confuses everyone. Confrontation is not necessarily a bad thing. My father always said that the day after a thunderstorm is usually clean, bright, and beautiful. It clears the air and so does a confrontation that is more about sharing than finger pointing. Some heirs can't handle this confrontation, and I would definitely recommend some kind of mediation, if they want to save the relationship. The down side is that if they don't fix this early on, the relationship is normally irreparable as the damage is done. Then, both parties live out their lives with anger in their hearts.
  2. It's vital to do everything you can to keep the peace. Regardless of what part you play in this, it will have an impact on you too, most especially a negative impact. Even indirectly connected, it will touch you in some negative way. To avoid this, do your best to take the "high road." It feels good to do so, though it's not always easy.
  3. Validate the other person's feelings if they share them with you. At least, listen. Repeat what they said to you so they feel you heard them. Both should agree to simply do the best you can to smooth it over somehow. A photo of Mom and Dad sitting in front of you wouldn't hurt. After all, this is about honoring them and not about the heirs.
  4. Encourage others to be a part of the healing process, if they would like to be. It is not about taking sides. It is about encouraging both parties to do what they can to heal the hurt. Always remain objective and try very hard to see the other side. Seeing both sides, or at least putting yourself in the other's shoes, might very well lend some insight into the situation. The problem is that we are generally too self-centered to do this. Promise me you'll try!

Dividing heirlooms can be one of the most contentious experiences of our adult lives. There is no way to completely eliminate family squabbles. But, you can learn to put them out when they are smoldering, instead of when they grow into a full-blown forest fire.

copyright 2010, The Estate Lady, LLC

Julie Hall, known as The Estate Lady, is a professional estate liquidator and certified personal property appraiser. With more than nineteen years experience, she has assisted thousands of individuals in the daunting and often painful process of managing their deceased parents' affairs. http://www.theestatelady.com

She has authored a best-selling book titled "THE BOOMER BURDEN: How to Deal With Your Parents' Lifetime Accumulation of Stuff", currently available on Amazon.com.

Julie writes a weekly blog which is available at http://estatelady.wordpress.com, called The Estate Lady Speaks.

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